The Breakfast Club
by Fiona Bunny
Summary: Crazy robots are taking over HiSkool and it isn't Zim's fault? Dib must unravel this mystery, defeat the mastermind behind the robots, and find Zim. No fan chars, no OC, but pure IC fun! Slash is optional.
1. Welcome to HiSkool

Chapter 1

 "The high school has lost its funding for science teachers," Ms. Bitters announced, "Instead, you will have a disgruntled elementary teacher."

Dib felt sick.  He noticed some familiar faces in the room and wondered why Zim was not among them.  Dib hadn't seen Zim for two weeks now.  What could that alien be up to?  The blue and purple 'house' had disappeared and nothing remained except one plush-toy moose.

Ms. Bitters called on Sarah who gasped and heaved, "Ms. Bitters, I think I'm going to have a baby soon. May I go see the nurse?"

Ms. Bitters frowned at Sarah's bloated figure and growled, "Oh, alright. But you have ten minutes, so make it quick."

The old woman had grown older, more scarred and hunchbacked, and she motioned Sarah to take a block of lead with the words 'Hall Pass' engraved on it.  Ms. Bitters shot a bitter look around the room, "Anyone else have problems?"

Mathers, with greedy hands, sniffed some cocaine.  He sighed but abruptly realized that the drug did not work.  He repeatedly injected his veins with more drugs but to no avail. He raised his hole marked arm,  "Ms. Bitters, this cocaine hasn't induced me into a coma yet.  I think I need counseling."

"No," Ms. Bitters said, "That one's not going to work this time. We lost funding for counselors a long time ago."

"Aw, Ms. Bitters.  How about the nurse then?" Mathers suddenly convulsed and slumped into his seat in a coma. 

_How long must this go on?_  Dib wondered as he drew detailed pictures of Zim's anatomy.

Retchie puked again and the room smelled like poop…Poop Beer, that is.  Retchie's retch always distracted Ms. Bitters.  Someone took advantage of that to light a lighter and set their desk on fire.  Meanwhile Penny giggled as she and a long-haired kid twisted in a mad and salivating embrace.

The door opened.  Ms. Bitters stopped to stare.


	2. Guest Speaker

Chapter 2

It was a strange looking teen.  Was he a teen?  He wore a purple tuxedo, a green bowtie, and a pair of bright, red bowling shoes.  His face was even stranger: he wore a fixed smile on his bluish head, had large beady eyes, and his black hair was very…shiny.  

The man staggered to the front of the room, smiling, feet clanking the floor, and announced slowly, "I am Drug Abuse Guy.  I have come to teach you about drug abuse."

Ms. Bitters slid up to him and glared at him from the corner of her eye, "I'll be watching you."

She slid away and the class was unperturbed by the shiny man.  Well, all except one student.  Dib eyed the man suspiciously.  Since when did drug counseling take place during science class?  Since when did they have drug counseling?

"My name is Bob," the smiling head creaked and jerked to the right, "Drugs are bad because they are not food.  I like food."

Bob leaned towards Dib, and suddenly grabbed his hand and stared at the fingernails, "Do you like drugs?"

"Um, no." Dib could not pull his hand from the iron grasp.

Suddenly there was a metallic clank, and Dib found himself dangling from the man's raised clench.  He was face to face to the strange looking counselor.  The beady eyes moved slowly apart and Bob drawled, "You smell like tacos." 

Bob's arm fell with a clang. He stumbled about the room dragging Dib at his side.  "There was once a room filled with tacos."

"Help," Dib cried.

"It had cupcakes too," Bob continued.

Susan raised her hand, "Does it have meat?"

Bob stopped abruptly and shrieked, "Why yes it does!"  He went to the chalk board and began drawling circles on the board.

"Help.  Me."  Dib tried again.

"These are circles of meat," Bob pointed out.  "This circle has meat.  What does this circle have?"

Dib raised his other hand.

Bob's head cranked downwards, "Yes, Child of Taco?"

"That circle has meat too." Dib muttered.

"What about this circle?" Bob pointed to another circle.

"Circle of meat!" someone shouted.

"What about…" Bob drew another circle, "this circle?"

"Circle of meat?"

"YES!"

THREE HOURS LATER…

"Circles of meat!" The class roared in chorus.  Dib groaned.

"Good job," Bob was even shinier now.  Suddenly there was a ringing noise that came from Bob's abdomen.  He cocked his head and said, "Well I am done now, class. Bye bye now."

The class groaned.  They watched Bob walked to a window, crash through the wall, and all the while he was still dragging Dib along, kicking and screaming.  

"I like Bob," Smaky said slowly.  Dib's yell had grown faint.

Mathers woke and sniffed some weed, "Yeah, he taught that Dib freak to not do drugs."

Smaky laughed, "Dib." 


	3. Enter the Morons

Chapter 3 

"And now we continue with Mysterious Mysteries of _Strange_ Mysteries," the announcer growled.  Bland music and flickering light emanated from the television and rested on one man.  He watched the show intently from his office chair.  All of his features were obscured by the darkness, but as he leaned forward he reached to stroke his beard. The television show continued, "Look, Gaz! You're my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!"

Meanwhile, there was a barely audible scuffle outside.

"Let…me…GO!" Dib screamed, "I know you're behind this Zim.  Your alien robot…thing…doesn't fool me!"

"Aw I think you must be hungry," Bob's head twisted around and looked at the boy he gripped. So, Bob slammed his other arm to his chest, yanked off his bowtie, and stuffed it into Dib's mouth.

Dib spat out the tie and tried to reason with the thing, "Um, Bob, I think I need some tacos..."

"Don't worry," he said, "We have reached the home base now."  

They entered a large brown tent, which was dark and very roomy.  Bob held up Dib before the mysterious man watching Mysterious Mysteries and told him, "We have the Dib, Master.  He is the one who we call Dib."

Without revealing himself the man spoke darkly, "Are you the one called **Dib**?"

Dib rolled his eyes, "Yes, I think Bob introduced me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…"

"What have you done with The One?"

"The who?"

The man wheeled about quickly in his chair and snapped, "Don't play games with me, boy!"

"Zim!" Dib drew back and blinked, "You're…**not** Zim!"

The bearded man with one eyeball larger than the other said, "Of course not."  

He turned on the light.  It was Desmond Flapp, the same man who first sighted the _alieeen_.  And they were not alone; the tent was filled with silent, bulging-eyed people wearing UFO hats.

Dib's mouth fell. He had seen them on Mysterious Mysteries.  It was incredible!  He'd always wanted one of those hats.

A fat lady suddenly jumped between them and held up her bloated arms in smelly bliss, "We are the children of the Bright and Shiny Saucer!"

Suddenly she fell over with a scream and found herself staring at Bob's metal face.  He liked her.  He began beeping and told her with a high-pitched voice, "Trudy have sexy arm pits."

While Trudy shrieked and squealed, Desmond continued, "Where is The One?  Where is the _Zim_?"

"I don't know where he is."  Bob had released Dib's arm, who now stood up and flexed his wrist.

"Then how do you explain this?" Desmond pointed to the television.  It flashed _Dramatic Reenactment_ and a man in a green suit spoke in a British accent.

"So you believe in aliens too, huh?  Then, my friends, all of our dreams have come true.  Mysterious Mysteries has united all of those who believe that aliens exist." Dib said with patriotic glee, "We must band together!  Together, we'll hunt down Zim and do **stuff** to him.  Then, we'll go find a sasquatch and maybe a yeti and—"

"No, no, no. We want to worship the alien." Desmond shook his head and spoke slowly and loudly, "WOR-SHIP, as in follow blindly and stupidly."

"But Zim wants to destroy us all!"

Desmond gasped in horror, "You blasphemy The One!"  He left his chair and brought forward a most hideous, stuffed pig, "For that, you will pay."

"The horrible PIG," Dib flinched and squealed, "Ok, I'm sorry!  I want to fondle Zim.  I love him—WAIT—no!  Why did I say that?"

"Now where do we find Zim?"  Desmond asked and several irate voices joined in his demand. "We've been looking for him for years now.  Our highly advanced robots have infiltrated schools across the country."

"Advanced?  Don't you mean stupid?"  Dib snickered.

"You laugh now, child," Desmond cried, "But they are programmed to brainwash a whole generation of Saucer Children.  Thousands of minions will be ripe for the worshipping of the alien.  They are also equipped with semi-automatic rifles, machine guns, and a coffee machine."

"That's awful—I mean…great."  Dib wondered if he could hack into these robots' artificial intelligence chip and use it to destroy Zim.  He needed Zim.  No, no, he needed to destroy Zim.

"Now we just need the alien." Desmond turned to Dib, "So, where is he?"

A girl in the crowd protested, "We haven't got all day, you know.  There's worshipping to be done!"

"Why, I'm…Zim…" Dib laughed nervously. "I am very not human, so like an alien."

"No, you're not Zim," Desmond said, "These robots can also do body scans to check for alien life."

"Darn it," But body scans?  Dib wondered just how advanced these robots were.  But no matter, Dib had found his perfect weapon against the alien.  An army of search and destroy robots!  He wished he hadn't left his laptop at home and said quickly, "Well how about this: you let me go and I will go ask my sister Gaz?"

Desmond turned to talk to Frank, "Well, Frank, how about those prophesies?"

"Not good," Frank spoke dully.

"Sorry," Desmond apologized, "The prophecy must be obeyed."

Suddenly the flap of the tent burst open and in walked a very scary girl.  The crowd gasped and allowed her to pass.  They had obviously seen her on Mysterious Mysteries.

"Gaz!" Dib cried, "You've come to save me!"

Gaz gripped her brother by the collar and said angrily, "It's your turn to make dinner today."

They turned to leave when Trudy blocked their way, "Where do you think you're going? You can't leave this place with our secrets.  You are not worthy."

Gaz clenched her fist and hurled her brother at the beastly woman.  With a scream, Trudy tumbled over like an enormous bowling pin. Gaz then dragged her brother out of the tent.

"So anyway," Dib was running alongside his sister, "I thought he was Zim, but he wasn't.  But isn't this just incredible?!  I can finally get my hands on the technology to destroy Zim.  Good thing these freaks are so stupid.  I wonder where could Zim be?"

A/N:  Lines taken from Mysterious Mysteries were quoted from the episode "Mysterious Mysteries."


End file.
